Off the Record: To celebrate Taste Great Southern, here are OTR’s Top 10 Albany meals

Taste Great Southern is back at full strength this week after the easing of WA’s COVID restrictions — and to celebrate, OTR is sharing his favourite tastes of the Great Southern. They say you should never trust a skinny chef. For the purposes of this column, let’s expand that expression to include food critics. First, some background. On arrival in Albany from Perth, OTR was 90kg soaking wet. Looking back, that was an ideal weight, even if it still fell into the “overweight” category according to those ridiculously unfair body mass index calculators. With the new job at the Advertiser came longer hours, more stress and fewer meals, so one would assume the kilograms would start falling off. Alas, like my Year 10 English teacher used to tell us: when you assume, you make an a** of you and me. Quite a big a**, it turns out. Within two years, that 90kg had ballooned to 117kg, placing OTR firmly into the “obese” category of the BMI. OTR was the victim in all of this — and the offenders were the cursed cafes, bars and restaurants of this succulent city. Having a kind and compassionate person as a partner has many benefits, however, one downside is that blunt, reality-check criticism is in short supply. OTR’s mother is also kind and compassionate, but when she had to do a double-take to recognise her own son, the time for niceties was over. And so a little over a year ago, the weight-loss journey was launched, leading to the current weight of 107kg — still obese. Now that OTR’s food critic legitimacy has been established, let’s dive into our Top 10 meals in Albany. Garlic chilli crab noodles, Liberte — Punch-in-the-face flavour with unnerving consistency. Liberte’s menu describes them as “crack noodles”. That’s fair. Nannygai, chips and cauliflower cheese balls, Ocean and Paddock — Yes, the cauliflower balls are probably unnecessary. No, it’s not up to you. Beef massaman, Jangs Thai — A new Thai restaurant has just opened on Proudlove parade. It’s going to have a hard time scaling the heights reached by Chef Jang. Scotch fillet, native pepper berry style, Rustlers Steakhouse and Grill — One of the more expensive items on the hitlist, but arguably the most mouth-watering. Add ribs if you want to emulate OTR circa 2020. Butter chicken, Albany Indian Tandoori Restaurant — Butter chicken might be a bit of a cliché choice but it’s a damn good one. Few cravings hit as hard as that one you get every now and then for Indian food. Tandoori invariably nails it. Seafood crepe, Garrison — A high-brow choice. Trips to Garrison have been infrequent, but their seafood crepe is a revelation. That thermidor sauce is good enough to inject directly into your veins. Aussie breakfast, Cosi’s Cafe — Not much to explain here. A full Aussie breakfast, done right, with a tall glass of OJ chucked in. The perfect way to start the day, but certainly not every day. Chilli crab Linguine, Venice Pizza Bar and Restaurant — Another “craving” food. Pasta, garlic, chilli — all in spades. The restaurateur Guy Lembo might even throw in a free story about how he used to tuck into this sort of pasta at Nonna’s Restaurant back in the day. Vanilla slice, Kate’s Place — This might seem like an odd one out, but it’s a slice of heaven. OTR’s aforementioned mother cannot leave Albany without having one. Cauliflower fritters, Emu Point Cafe — There had to be one healthy choice. Seriously, though, how do those wizards at Emu Point Cafe make salads taste so good?