Nat Locke: Pavlova to fruit mince pies, here’s my ranking of 10 Christmas desserts from worst to best

Look, I’m nothing if not brave. So I’m taking on possibly the most controversial subject I have ever attempted to write about.

That’s right. I’m going to rank the top 10 Christmas desserts. And there will be absolutely no correspondence entered into. This is the definitive list. Haters gonna hate.

And because I love a bit of drama, I’m going to count from worst Christmas dessert to the best. This has more tension than the Hottest 100. Let us begin.

10. Pavlova

As a dessert, it’s pretty much just a vehicle for the mango and passionfruit on top. Plus, there’s too much cream and it’s famously tricky to make.

All that whipping of egg whites and low oven temperatures and you end up with an amorphous mass with the consistency of Styrofoam.

No thank you. Let the Kiwis have it, I say. I realise this is the most un-Australian thing anyone has ever uttered, but it’s time someone told the truth.

9. Gingerbread

As a house-building medium, I’ll allow it, because once you’ve stuck 100 freckles to it with icing, you can kind of ignore the fact that it’s gingerbread.

But let’s face it, mostly, it tastes a bit stale. And while I like a bit of ginger in my dumplings or on my salmon, as a Christmas dessert, it ain’t that great.

8. Trifle

I get that these days there are many iterations of this classic dessert, and it does gain a couple of points for there being an opportunity to pour a bunch of booze into it (there’s a gin and tonic trifle, for example, which is allowable).

But the fact that one of the layers is custard is a massive strike. Yes, my personal biases are factoring into this definitive ranking, but that’s the privilege you get when you’re the one doing the ranking.

I like the fact that you can see the layers, but that’s pretty much due to the features of the bowl you’re putting it in, so it’s not much of a plus.

7. Shortbread

I can appreciate a good, crumbly, buttery, homemade shortbread as much as anyone. Little marks on top of it made by the back of a fork?

Yes please. Grains of sugar sprinkled on top? Also yes please. But is it exciting? Probably not. Bonus points if it’s delivered in a novelty tin with a Scotty dog wearing a Christmas hat on the lid.

6. Yule Log

Yes, it’s basically a chocolate Swiss roll covered in brown buttercream made to look like a log of wood. But, dust it with icing sugar and it’s a very cute little snow-covered centrepiece and who doesn’t love chocolate Swiss roll?

5. White Christmas

OK, so it’s so sweet that you can feel your teeth rotting, and it’s also the sort of thing that your very elderly great aunt would contribute to the Christmas feast because she wanted to use up the Rice Bubbles she’s had in the cupboard since you visited in the late 90s, but still, it’s a delightfully nostalgic festive treat.

4. Christmas Cake

Now I really am stepping into controversial territory, but this is a hill I will die on. Christmas cake is great. Yes, it’s fruity. But I’ve never been afraid of a sultana or two. And a classic booze-soaked Christmas cake that is rich and succulent cannot be beaten.

3. Christmas Pudding

Yes, more fruit. Maybe I’ve been spoiled because for most of my life, my mum has made a Christmas pudding, poked some coins into it and set it alight before serving.

It’s a real crowd-pleaser. Also, making a Christmas pudding at home is a chore because you have to steam it for hours and know where to buy suet (not in that order).

But nothing beats the gooey goodness, with a scoop of vanilla ice cream (if you’re a custard-hating heathen like me), and finding a coin that will ensure a year of good luck.

2. Christmas Crack

The high ranking of this treat proves that I’m not biased against non-traditional yuletide goodies. It’s a more modern invention, involving Salada biscuits, caramel, chocolate and green and red M&Ms for the festive flair.

It sounds simple, but it’s called crack for a reason. It is genuinely delectable and more-ish and so easy to make that you will look like a genius.

1. Fruit Mince Pies

Nothing beats a classic little shortcrust pastry shell filled with oozing fruit mince. I’ll not hear a bad word against them.

But they have to be the right fruit mince pies. The pastry to filling ratio needs to be correct. Don’t settle for a measly amount of fruit mince. And don’t be afraid of a little bit of candied peel.

It adds tang and sophistication.

And now, I’m going into hiding.